If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
