I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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