now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
