i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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