My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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