He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
