my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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