my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
