i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize