called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
