He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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