is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
