I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
