i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I did not marry a roomba.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
