If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You are a genius and a whore.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
