you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
