i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i think i just lost a toe
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
