We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
