you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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