Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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