omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
