dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
