i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
