I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
