Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
