you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
