Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
