Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
