There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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