my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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