you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
