I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i think my mom watched the whole time
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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