I molested 6 butterflies tonight
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She bit a glass in half.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
