Don't make out with my wife yet
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
