hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
