It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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