Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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