I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
