Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
