If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
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