i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
where does the pee come out of this thing
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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