Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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