I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
