So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
porn star boner night. come get it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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