I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
