She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
