he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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