My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
