We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
