How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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