at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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