weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
