Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Holy sore nipples Batman
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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