Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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