so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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