Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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