If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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