I puked a lego.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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